Starbucks to Replace Topanga Library

By Miles Erickson      April 1, 2022

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Starbucks to Replace Topanga Library
Google Maps The nearly defunct Promenade Mall in Woodland Hills might become home to another L.A. Rams practice facility.
The Topanga public library has been scheduled for demolition this coming June, to be replaced with a drive-thru Starbucks. The library, which has been a Topanga staple for more than 10 years, made the controversial decision to sell their lot to the coffee giant after an unsuccessful campaign to increase foot traffic by adding a pornography section. When asked if they thought the addition of a drive-thru restaurant would affect the flow of traffic in the canyon, representatives from Starbucks could not be reached for comment. Topanga elementary, who’s students have utilized the public library since its original opening in 2012, also plans to team up with the coffee chain. Starting in the fall 2022 semester, LAUSD will be serving the students of Topanga Elementary menus consisting exclusively of food fished out of the Starbucks dumpster. Alberto Carvalho, superintendent of Los Angeles Unified School District, released a statement earlier this week in which he called the new menu “a necessary adjustment”. Students of Topanga Elementary call it “a major improvement.” The construction of the Starbucks, scheduled to take place over this summer, has sparked debate about traffic in the canyon, which some say is getting out of control, especially in the mornings. This comes after the controversial decision by the Topanga Canyon Town Council to block the main fire access road leading away from Topanga Elementary in favor of building low income housing for the starbucks employees. Pine Tree circle will also be affected by these community renovations. The center, referred to as “the Times Square of Topanga” by, like, four people, will be lending all its excess parking spaces to Starbucks, demolishing a section of the center, including Topanga Homegrown, to build an access lane leading to the Starbucks. Cars planning to enter the drive-thru from the other direction will be encouraged to use the lane belonging to oncoming traffic to create a queue. In an effort to foster a neighborly relationship with Topangans, Starbucks will be participating in this year’s Topanga Days parade. The float, commissioned by Starbucks, will depict Starbucks Frappuccinos being used to defuse tense moments throughout history. These moments will include the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the arrest of Rosa Parks, and the 1939 invasion of Poland. Starbucks’ float will be in place of a float previously planned to feature the third graders of Topanga Elementary, who were threatened with a lawsuit when asked why they would not be able to be included in the parade. During the float’s construction and test driving the floats, the driver accidentally ran over a dog named Rocky, who has become a minor celebrity due to his “Lost Dog” signs that can famously be seen around the general store and on the side of the highway. An argument between the dog’s owner and Starbucks representatives erupted during a recent town hall meeting, where the woman threatened bodily harm to the coffee reps (who were not in physical danger because they had ‘Zoomed’ into the meeting rather than attending in person). The controversy was finally settled out of court later that week when, instead of paying monetary compensation, Starbucks agreed to serve “Rocky the Dog”-themed cake pops at its Topanga location. Starbucks is also planning to be involved in the Pine Tree circle snow day this winter, where instead of snow, the town center will be blanketed with Java Chip Frappuchino. The attraction will be open to the public for 90 minutes, before being taken over by a Starbucks corporate retreat for the remaining nights. A similar approach will be taken to Topanga Days, an event which Starbucks is now co-hosting. All guests who do not work for Starbucks corporate offices will be expected to pay $70 per ticket for entrance, except for Starbucks baristas, who will be expected to pay a fee of $72.
      April 1, 2022

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